Due Date would have been March 15th 2010

Wow how time flies.
Back in August I thought it would be a while til i would be able to handle the miscarriage, but here I am and life is good. Today I would have had a 10 day old baby. Yes i hurts a little to think of what could have been. But life happens for a reason and the Lord takes us down the paths we need to be on.

I am currently 375 hrs in for school and so far have an amazing job. Yes I know if I would have had the baby I wouldn't be here and I thank the baby for helping me and giving me the opportunity. I know that one day I'll be able to thank him and be with him for ever.

I am very comfortably with it all. And am grateful for each day that goes by and the trials that i face.

She left a legacy to returned to my baby

Its sad to think that Christmas eve at her place will be no more. Its sad to think that I will no longer receive her beautiful letters in the mail. Its sad to think that i will no longer be able to pick up the phone to hear her voice.

Mary Elizabeth Arnold passed away at the age of 97 on February 16 2010.

She was my Nana. there was no other name for her. Her great grandchildren called her by that name also. She was my Best friend. we could talk for hours and parting was so hard to do. her love for every one especially her family was great. All she ever wanted was for her loved ones to be happy. For being of such a wise age, she was still so keen and independent. A woman who was determined to not have to depend on others for help the last 3 months of her life was spent in a hospital in bed. I think she was able to hold out from needing help for a long time.

Nana will be missed greatly. But i know that with a blink of an eye We will be able to see her again. It is wonderful to know that she is now united with my PopPop and with the child that we lost last August. I know that when it is my turn to take the next step in Gods eternal plan I will be greeted by all three.

My Nana i will remember how it was and with my baby i will think of what could have been.

Sometimes I get to thinking

It has been almost 5 months since i lost the baby. With life it is easy to forget and move on. But sometimes, like the other day, I stop to think of what had happened. I realized during dinner one night that "i could be pregnant right now". I could have a belly. And i could be able to have the baby around the same time as some of my friends. It saddens me. My heart breaks, at the thought that just for a moment i had that chance and now its gone. those feelings come back again. The questions start flowing in. The pain begins to get heavier. But only for a moment, cause then I look around at my family here on earth and realize that all things happen for a reason.

Right now i am currently going to school. I am studying to become a cosmetologist. It will take me 10 months to complete the program. So i think that that little baby may have sacrificed his time here on earth so I would be able to go and educate myself in order to help sustain his siblings. And who knows the true reason. Just that this trial, blessing, pure Innocent life was exactly what i needed. what we needed as a family. My oldest child who is now 8 understood and understands what we all went through and that has made us all closer then before.

Yes it is sad to think "what if"...But its a joy to know that I can appreciate the blessings I have right in front of me. I know that one day we will all be united and i will thank my little baby for being apart of my life, our lives, and our eternal family..

1 Month

It has been 1 month. Today is September 19th...the day that I started bleeding was August 19th. While i was miscarrying my husbands grandmother was in the hospital dieing. Today she passed away. I know the loss of my child and her passing are both part of a great plan Heavenly father has for us.....who knows if they are together learning of the gospel....I know it should be a sad day but for me its a glorious time.....

September 9, 2009

I feel i have moved on.....I am not sadden by sudden triggers and am actually humbled and blessed....I may have not prayed as much as i should have but i think for all those who have I still was and am blessed. I am reading a book about suffering and how to endure through it. Its a part of life and it is to help build a foundation here on earth to help with me in the next life to come. My days are normal in every way and feel strengthen by everything. I just want to let you know that trials, pain, suffering are all part of our growing and becoming more like Him. And He will get us through anything.

Day 8 September 2 2009

So its been 2 weeks since I first started to bleed and a week and a half since I physically miscarried. I feel that I am getting through the days just fine. Today I actually cooked dinner. Granted it was spaghetti I still felt well enough to stand long enough to cook. However I feel I do not need to post everyday but post weekly or when ever i notice a change. I still feel tired and sometimes in pain but also I have 4 kids and that can slow down the healing process.....

Things will get better and they already have. It was a good day.

Also its important to get out for a drive any where to do anything......

Day 7 September 1st 2009

Today i felt a little sad this morning. I still feel tired and have cramping. I started to bleed again but it is only the dark color, nothing too heavy. I was researching about what i am going through and realized that even though it was a miscarriage it was still labor so there for i need to look up the effects of labor/ postpartum. I am still tired and don't have the strength to cook over the stove.

I am just so glad and comforted to know that i am not the only one.
Its still sad...being reminded everyday in every way.