Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Emotional point of view

I sit here and think "wow did I just go through that?" You can never be prepared for a trial like this. As soon as those words are said to you, a stream of emotions just run right through your body. Some may be, if not all.....anger, sorrow, helpless, lost, nervous, confused, relieved, happy, grateful, and many more.

How to deal with all these emotions, I just don't know. Everyone is different and everyone handles trials in different ways.

When I first got the news, I felt a wave of sadness come over me. I had no words, I could not tell my husband what had just happened.

What I was thinking:
How could this happen
How did this happen
Why did it happen
Am i the only one
Who should I tell
How should i behave
Was it me
Was it him
Could I have prevented it
Will I be able to try again
Will it happen again
Is it a sign to not try again
Am I being punished

I know for those who I've spoken to, the first day no one wants to talk to anyone. But also that will be your call. I sent out a universal message over the computer stating a brief paragraph about what happened and how I do not want anyone to call.

The first couple days I spent hours just trying to justify why it happened and how there was a reason and that not to dwell on it and to just get through it. I had to be strong. Having 4 kids, two in school, my life did not come to a halt. But again how should i take this.
Was it just something that happens on a regular basis or is it literally a tragedy within the family.
Was it a baby or just a fetus?
Fortunately I have many friends whom I spoke with through this time in my life. And many reasons came up as to why this happened. Some were negative some were positive. But all were excuses.

I am a strong faithful member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, So my views of how I endured through this trial may be different or similar.

I lost the baby/ Fetus at about 10 weeks. I did not yet hear the heart beat or see it move. I share this cause I do not know how I would have felt if i was further along or would have had a still born. My views and opinions are based on what I have experienced.

I believe that I will one day be able to raise this baby I lost in the next life to come. I believe that this was not only a test of strength for me but for those around me. I believe that it is ultimately the Lord who decided to take this baby. I believe that there is a reason and maybe we won't know the reason til years from now or maybe not until I meet my Maker.
How ever the one thing that I did learn was that no matter the reasons it was the Lords Will, and that I want to always do the Lords will and I know through Him I can endure all things.

I have already seen the blessings that have come from this trial. Bonds with friends have strengthen, Love and compassion shown unto us from a mass of people, secrets shared with us because of the shared experience.

I am grateful for this trial. I am grateful that I was tested to have become stronger. My friend told me that she believes that it takes a blessed family to have been able to have a perfect child and that many more blessings were to come from enduring.

I am so grateful for my faith, my ward, my family,the Gospel, the Savior, Joseph Smith, all the women who have also endured through a trial like this.

For those who have a faith that believes that the Lord will come again, we all believe that the adversary will be let lose first. If i wasn't able to endure through this trial how will I be able to stand against "he who lies".

After the whole physical part was over I felt sadness once again. I was sad to think about what had just happened. I was only able to get through this because of the great people who surrounded us and still surround us.

It has only been one day after the miscarriage so I will be posting about my feelings for as long as I am experiencing them.