Sunday, September 20, 2009

1 Month

It has been 1 month. Today is September 19th...the day that I started bleeding was August 19th. While i was miscarrying my husbands grandmother was in the hospital dieing. Today she passed away. I know the loss of my child and her passing are both part of a great plan Heavenly father has for us.....who knows if they are together learning of the gospel....I know it should be a sad day but for me its a glorious time.....

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

September 9, 2009

I feel i have moved on.....I am not sadden by sudden triggers and am actually humbled and blessed....I may have not prayed as much as i should have but i think for all those who have I still was and am blessed. I am reading a book about suffering and how to endure through it. Its a part of life and it is to help build a foundation here on earth to help with me in the next life to come. My days are normal in every way and feel strengthen by everything. I just want to let you know that trials, pain, suffering are all part of our growing and becoming more like Him. And He will get us through anything.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Day 8 September 2 2009

So its been 2 weeks since I first started to bleed and a week and a half since I physically miscarried. I feel that I am getting through the days just fine. Today I actually cooked dinner. Granted it was spaghetti I still felt well enough to stand long enough to cook. However I feel I do not need to post everyday but post weekly or when ever i notice a change. I still feel tired and sometimes in pain but also I have 4 kids and that can slow down the healing process.....

Things will get better and they already have. It was a good day.

Also its important to get out for a drive any where to do anything......

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Day 7 September 1st 2009

Today i felt a little sad this morning. I still feel tired and have cramping. I started to bleed again but it is only the dark color, nothing too heavy. I was researching about what i am going through and realized that even though it was a miscarriage it was still labor so there for i need to look up the effects of labor/ postpartum. I am still tired and don't have the strength to cook over the stove.

I am just so glad and comforted to know that i am not the only one.
Its still sad...being reminded everyday in every way.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Day 6 August 31 2009

Today i was feeling allot better then i have been. I still have a little pain but other then that emotionally i am ok. I had to urge to get out today but i i was able to do was take the kids to the mall for some exercise. But i am now on a mission, trying to get my story out to as many people as I can. SO I hope you feel inspired to pass this along. My husband will be going back to work soon and I feel we are both ready. I ma just ready to get back the two weeks that i lost and am excited, when the time comes to maybe hopefully try again.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Day 5 August 30 2009

So due to the loss of blood the past week i am feeling tired more often during the day. This morning my husband took the kids to church while i stayed home and napped. But around 4pm and am too tired and my body is too achy to be motivated to make anything to eat for dinner. I know when blood work has been done on me like before giving blood or being pregnant my iron has sometimes been a little low. I still feel cramps. However the bleeding has stopped. thank goodness cause that has to be the most annoying part. To constantly pay attention to something that i have no control over.

By the end of the night i am in pain. My cramping, lower back and just plain tired. Hopefully I will be back to my old self again.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Day 4 August 29 2009

Today was Saturday so I didn't need to get up early. I slept well last night. I really didn't have an emotional breakdown today. Just a little cramping which hurt a little more due to gas. My husband and I are able to talk about it and not get too upset. As my days continue i realize how important it is to go on with my life. It was only a trial and i needed to endure through it. As more and more people find out the more i hear how I'll be able to get through it. To hear it as days go by i realize that i am well on my way to overcoming the emotional part.

I have felt really exhausted today but also have 4 kids and things that need to get done. We are hoping to have another child sometime in the future we will just have to see what the Lord has in store for us.

Day 3 August 28 2009

Woke up the kids and took them to school again. Then I had to get the 2 youngest ready because they were going to be spending time with other families for the day. The whole point was for me to rest and enjoy my husband. However the Lord had other things in mind then to rest. I had picked up a friends daughter from school while she ran around doing errands but it ended up that her car broke down again. I then picked up her other kids from school and my husband and I headed over. I stayed around for a bit but then headed home to rest until my kids came home. I was in pain....cramping my back hurting and lets not forget it gets pretty hot here in AZ. So i was afraid that my rest was never meant to happen but I was glad that i was able to help my friend, kid free.

My husband came home and all my kids returned safely. He decided to go back and help with the car again and took 2 kids. I had the oldest and the youngest at home and we all fell asleep the whole time my husband was gone. I was able to rest after all i think the Lord blessed me with it. I did get a little sad and angry today. While eating dinner tonight I got soo upset that I went through all this pain and got nothing in return. No baby for all the pain i just endured. And whats worse is I am reminded everyday from the cramping. I am just glad to have friends and family around to help me keep focus on the life around me.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Day 2 August 27, 2009

This morning was as typical as any morning. Woke the kids up for school but this time i had to get all 4 ready. After dropping off the two older kids I needed to take my girl to a sitter while i took the youngest to the doctors. I arrived at the sitters a little early so we just waited out side until she returned. When she did return i left my daughter and got back into the car. As i began to turn on the car my car wouldn't start. The battery went dead. This was another thing we just didn't need. So i had to cancel taking my son to his appointment and take the second car which was already at my friends cause she was borrowing it cause her car was dead. I went home to pick up my husband so we could buy another battery. While we were at home getting ready to go, the same friend who i left the kids with called and said that they had a new battery in a dead car that we can have. Now the story is that for weeks Angel has been helping this family with fixing their only car. Sacrificing long hours, not getting home until midnight. It was a blessing to have broken down right in front of their home and not the road or some parking lot. And it was a blessing that they had a new battery that we could have. We were finally able to get our car going and headed home to get ready for my appointment.

We have been blessed with friends being able to help how ever and whenever we needed it. We finally arrived to my midwives office. we got in pretty fast. Everyone knows what is going on with each patient so i did sense a feeling of sadness when i came in. We spoke about what all had happened with the miscarriage. When it started, how long it lasted and how much i was now bleeding. I guess everything went fine for me cause she then said that we could try again. Which i was so relieved about. Right now it isn't the time to be discussing that and i should wait 2 weeks to have intercourse with my husband again. We are both so emotionally weak that we are not in our right minds to be making a decision like that. Of course we spoke about birth control but that too is a tough subject. I had tried one method and it caused me to bleed allot and i am not to fond of hormones going into my body from a patch, rod, shot, pill, or anything else.

So the visit went well but it did trigger emotions once again and i became light headed. I was also told that this emotional roller coaster can last for months.

During this trial we have also been helping a friend. Which has really helped cause it got me out of my house, my husband thinking about cars and not the situation and me talking with a friend about what we were going through. I feel that i have gained stronger friendships with friends.

On our way home from the doctors we had received another blessing where the burden of his job was lifted. Through all this we have seen others being greatly effected and that have shown compassion and love and understanding towards us.

My husband will now be around a little longer which i feel we all need. We are defiantly taking each day moment by moment.

After a long day i would really feel cramping and back pain. still need to remember that my body just went through trauma and it will be a while til it is healed again. I am just grateful for all the help i have each day that all i need to worry about is just healing in every way.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Day 1 August 26, 2009

Earlier this morning I woke up just fine. I got up the kids as usual for school. I was able to get there early enough to speak with a friend about what was going on. As we were standing there we were discussing about two mothers who were both expecting. I tried not to let it get to me and so i thought that I succeeded. It was time for the kids to line up and so there for I left. I needed to make a trip to pick up a food order and would get there as soon as they opened. As I stepped out my car i felt a rush of emotions once again take over my body. The whole time i was getting my order i felt heavy with sorrow and could not find a way to smile. As I drove home i couldn't seem to shake it off. I kept thinking "What just happened to me, to us?" I felt exhausted and all i wanted to do was sleep.
I had offered my hand to a friend and so that got me out of the house. It felt good to help and sit and talk with her. I then picked up my son from school. I soon realized that i wasn't feeling heavy with sadness anymore.

As the day went on I felt energized and proceeded with my responsibilities and taking care of my kids. It has really helped, writing about this has helped with coping with my emotions. I hope someone will too find comfort with my words.

I now and again feel cramping and it is a constant reminder of what I went through and the pain i endured. I feel this will be something i will experience for a while.

The Emotional point of view

I sit here and think "wow did I just go through that?" You can never be prepared for a trial like this. As soon as those words are said to you, a stream of emotions just run right through your body. Some may be, if not all.....anger, sorrow, helpless, lost, nervous, confused, relieved, happy, grateful, and many more.

How to deal with all these emotions, I just don't know. Everyone is different and everyone handles trials in different ways.

When I first got the news, I felt a wave of sadness come over me. I had no words, I could not tell my husband what had just happened.

What I was thinking:
How could this happen
How did this happen
Why did it happen
Am i the only one
Who should I tell
How should i behave
Was it me
Was it him
Could I have prevented it
Will I be able to try again
Will it happen again
Is it a sign to not try again
Am I being punished

I know for those who I've spoken to, the first day no one wants to talk to anyone. But also that will be your call. I sent out a universal message over the computer stating a brief paragraph about what happened and how I do not want anyone to call.

The first couple days I spent hours just trying to justify why it happened and how there was a reason and that not to dwell on it and to just get through it. I had to be strong. Having 4 kids, two in school, my life did not come to a halt. But again how should i take this.
Was it just something that happens on a regular basis or is it literally a tragedy within the family.
Was it a baby or just a fetus?
Fortunately I have many friends whom I spoke with through this time in my life. And many reasons came up as to why this happened. Some were negative some were positive. But all were excuses.

I am a strong faithful member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, So my views of how I endured through this trial may be different or similar.

I lost the baby/ Fetus at about 10 weeks. I did not yet hear the heart beat or see it move. I share this cause I do not know how I would have felt if i was further along or would have had a still born. My views and opinions are based on what I have experienced.

I believe that I will one day be able to raise this baby I lost in the next life to come. I believe that this was not only a test of strength for me but for those around me. I believe that it is ultimately the Lord who decided to take this baby. I believe that there is a reason and maybe we won't know the reason til years from now or maybe not until I meet my Maker.
How ever the one thing that I did learn was that no matter the reasons it was the Lords Will, and that I want to always do the Lords will and I know through Him I can endure all things.

I have already seen the blessings that have come from this trial. Bonds with friends have strengthen, Love and compassion shown unto us from a mass of people, secrets shared with us because of the shared experience.

I am grateful for this trial. I am grateful that I was tested to have become stronger. My friend told me that she believes that it takes a blessed family to have been able to have a perfect child and that many more blessings were to come from enduring.

I am so grateful for my faith, my ward, my family,the Gospel, the Savior, Joseph Smith, all the women who have also endured through a trial like this.

For those who have a faith that believes that the Lord will come again, we all believe that the adversary will be let lose first. If i wasn't able to endure through this trial how will I be able to stand against "he who lies".

After the whole physical part was over I felt sadness once again. I was sad to think about what had just happened. I was only able to get through this because of the great people who surrounded us and still surround us.

It has only been one day after the miscarriage so I will be posting about my feelings for as long as I am experiencing them.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

From the medical point of view

JULY 24 2009

This day was the day i went to the doctors and found out for sure that I was defiantly pregnant...

3 weeks prior is when i started to feel signs of something happening to my body.....
1st week i felt i was going to get my period with the slight pressure in my pelvis area
2nd week lower back pain started to kick in
3rd week still haven't had my period so i took a home pregnancy test. To me it showed had the two lines but the second was very faint.... we were not convinced so i decided to go see the doctor.

I had taken a urine test...the doctor said that i was due March 10 2010

August 13 2009

My first appointment with my mid wife.....

Prior to finding a midwife i had done allot of research.....
Research about Doctors, Midwives and VBAC (Vaginal birth after a csection)
I found that having a vaginal birth after 4 csection is possible and most likely a success but doctors today are not as willing to do VBAC's after 2 csections....

there is a website to help you further your research with VBAC's at

After realizing that this was not a path for me which i kind of suspected i decided that why not try a midwife.
My midwife works in an office with other midwives, nurses and doctors which they work under. If i were to have had a csection the doctor would have done it and she would also be there to support....

The appointment went well and we figured that i would be due around March 14-16 2010.....and that i was about 9-10 next appointment would be 4 weeks from then.....

August 19 2009

I woke to a little bleeding, the blood was dark something like towards the end of a period......I called the nurse and she just suggested to stay off my feet and relax....well i have 4 kids and a working husband, that wasn't really possible....later on in the day my bleeding increased and the color was lighter.... I had no pain whats so ever....the nurse wanted me to come in but by then the day was late. It was fine to wait til the next day.

August 20 2009

That day the bleeding had decreased but i still went for my appointment. I went in and they first checked to see if my cervix was closed and it was....then they checked for a heart beat but could only hear mine...then used an ultra sound to see if anything could be seen but she was only a midwife so they wanted me to be seen by a technician.... 20 mins later i was at another building having an ultra sound done....
while driving home to go get my kids that's when i got the phone call....They had found a sac but no heart beat.....from that point on I would experience one of the hardest things in my life....depregnatizing my body....

From Wednesday august 19 2009 to Tuesday August 25 2009 (about 6 days )was how long it took to really kick in.....that is when the first blood clots started to come out and the labor pain started.....The D and C process (Dilation (dilatation) and curettage ) is normally the process they would take if a miscarriage happens however because of my previous csections they felt that the natural way to miscarry would be the best......

Monday evening August 24 2009

6:45 pm The first blood clots came out the bleeding got a little heavier and pressure was getting stronger

8:45 pm Having spontaneous rushes of blood flow...was concerned but the nurse said that when to be concerned is when the pad is soaked from front to back within an hour.....Start to feel labor pain in back and pelvis and becoming lightheaded

9pm changed and lied down....feeling a little more pain....

11pm went for a drive while driving noticed that i wasn't bleeding as much and was in no pain....

11:40pm home and blood decreased and pain not too bad....

Tuesday August 25 2009

7am woke up feeling ok there is small cramping off and on feeling light headed......

2:15pm contractions getting stronger scale of 1-10 a 4, more blood clots and heavier bleeding

2:30pm pain a 7

4:30pm after taking the kids to a friends house i decided to take a warm bath to deal with the pain

5:30pm rested in the bath tub for an hr....started to feel much better...there was no more cramping...decided to stand up and finish my I stood the sac fell right out of me...

after that.... compared to the pain i had gone through earlier..... i now felt so much better...however i was still tired and my body felt exhausted....still had a little cramping but now just felt like i had my period....since this was like going through labor the after math of labor will follow.....continual cramping and bleeding probably for atleast a week....

I know this post is a little long but i did it for educational i was going through the miscarriage i was doing allot of research and was unable to find out allot of details....i hope this helps you with your research or if your just reading i hope you were satisfied.....

if you have any questions pleas feel free to comment...